The. Worst.

What was your worst date? There are a few ways – okay an infinite number of ways – a date could go horribly wrong, but there are some really bad stories out there. And by bad I mean great. A few of them are mine.

I’ll open with the ventriloquist’s assistant. That wasn’t even the worst part! Very rarely do I feel within moments of meeting someone that there’s nothing there on my end, but this was one of those times. I ordered a soda water, saying that I didn’t really feel like drinking (not that you have to justify it) and allowing for a faster check-free exit. He ordered a beer. We had said in our communication ahead of meeting that since we were meeting late we’d eat beforehand. He didn’t – not the end of the world, but knowing I was not ordering a drink or food, he then ordered the steak as an entree. I’d be there a while… In the end, the details don’t matter – nor did the fact that I didn’t care to know which “famous ventriloquist” he was an assistant to even though he desperately wanted to let me know he couldn’t tell me. It was an off-balance date, from the start to the steak.

What you share, and how you share it says a lot about a person. So does your awareness of the other person. Ordering something you both like to share, maybe not matching drinks (if your date isn’t drinking and you’d love a glass of wine) but you certainly don’t order shots if the other person isn’t imbibing…which is what happened next. Sigh.

Another guy, who on the smaller side – think of a mythical sprite and maybe add a Peter Pan hat for fun. He told me I might crush him in a good way. No bro.

There was a different date, where he kept grabbing my ass when we were playing pool — where you bend over a little if you’re doing it right to get a good shot. That went well past the border of sexual assault.

Perhaps the craziest was nipple man. I didn’t name him that until just now. He was actually hella sexy, accomplished with a military background and operated his own 501-C3 out west for veterans – what? He was also too physical for his own good. We went to a screening of a documentary on Obama’s administration who it turned out he didn’t like – red flag. I was late to meet him at the reception beforehand and found him drinking his second whiskey up. After I ordered a vodka soda he made friends with the guitar player in the room, telling him that it was our eighth wedding anniversary. It was arguably pretty hilarious and became a theme throughout the night. Seated among Washington’s political elite, he grabbed my thigh, which I pushed down toward my knee and said, let’s just get it over with and kissed me. That I liked. Fast forward to dinner – where at the bar (thank God he was facing the wall and not the restaurant) he asked me if he could see my nipples. I was shocked. “Nope.” I challenged him back to acknowledge how ridiculous the request was and he pulled his shirt up – showing me his left nipple. At that point, I was like, well I’m concerned now, do you have three or something? And my request for a full review was granted. In the bathroom, I considered leaving but he had these moments of real clarity – talking like a real person about how passionately he cared about helping other people and what his background was, his family, etc. So there was intrigue there. In retrospect, I think he may have been on something. On the way to get a drink, (why was I going to the next bar?) he slapped my ass so hard, I screamed. I turned around and got serious telling him that wasn’t ok and he apologized.  I think I spent the entire evening with this guy because I had no clue what was going to happen next – and maybe it says more about me then I should be revealing. But needless to say, he didn’t get a call back. I didn’t even get into the fact he told a guy at the next bar it was our wedding anniversary and that poor soul bought the bar a round…

In ALL of these instances, I eventually said something, but the lesson certainly is to speak up about what you don’t like or won’t accept. The earlier the better. Not only does it show that you don’t take shit and you have boundaries, but that you are confident, know yourself and aren’t trying to please some asshole you just met who’s allowing himself to buy into his instilled advantage of centuries of male sexual dominance.

Part of me knows cI have more and I’ve just blocked them out! I’m sure my friends will  remind me of a few gems.

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