An Open Door

My door is open. This is a new thing according to my friends, and I’m finally in a place where I can see that it is true.

I was tied up in old relationships, habits and frankly, if I’m being honest, I was in a funk. I recently had a loss of a past lover which I’m still working through and I think I can see now that while I was going on a few dates here and there, I wasn’t really receptive to the possibility they could be great. I was going through the motions to appease the part of me that knew I needed to get back out there.

I felt a crack in the door when I realized I wasn’t just talking about changing my behavior pattern with the man I’ve been seeing off-and-on for years, but that I was actually doing it. I no longer felt that pull to him –  rather I felt a freeing feeling in choosing not to fall back into our twice a month regimen.

I offer this note because I think it matters in the grand scheme of things: I took on a health challenge I’ve been putting off dealing with. It has forced me to confront realities that aren’t as bad as I once supposed. And I think it may have given me a bit of confidence. I did NOT see that coming.

Then a few weeks later, my door blew open when I met a man I not only clicked with intellectually but physically. For a fraction of a second I allowed myself to see something more with him – something longterm based on really nothing but chemistry. But I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened, and I’ll be honest again,  I don’t need the majority of my fingers to reach the sum total.

Here’s the rub: He shut the door back in my face. Call it bad timing, the wrong guy, the universe showing me I need to learn some lesson about getting too lucky – regardless, it didn’t pan out. If you’ve read the previous entries – he’s the whack-a-mole that has yet to pop. And maybe the lesson is just that, life is unpredictable and you’ve got to fight to keep your door open.

I’m not one to fall easily nor be sappy or romantic in general, but this one hurt a bit more than I’d care to admit to my friends (who are incidentally the only readers of this blog…) So, I’m trying to keep that damn door ajar by continuing to date.

As is the case with most of my posts, this topic comes from a conversation with a friend whose door is decidedly closed – her words not mine. She says she’s open to meeting someone if it happens organically – but that she’s not in a place where she wants to seek out a relationship. I get it. We all know if done well, online dating can carry the responsibility of a part-time job.

Back to my door. I’m keeping it open, while admittedly still thinking of the door slammer, in what could be considered a controversial way. I’m just letting this new guy keep happening.

My awkward first date with 930Matt turned into a second date, and now there’s a plan for a third. I’m not sure that I’m into him, we’ll see. But again, figuring that out is a bonus, but ultimately not the goal here.

He is as Washington a wonk as they come and irrefutably not my type, which is probably exactly what I need. He’s a total reversal from the door slammer who checked most of my proverbial boxes. (Don’t be dirty.)  So we’ll see where things go with this blonde, live music-loving door stopper who happens to be a ringer at darts.

Date three is at the National Arboretum. Taking this party outdoors should be a nice change.

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